I can’t believe that I am typing the following words. I never dreamed in a million years that I would have to report that I am facing a loss so intrinsic to my sense of self that this unfortunate turn of events has left me nothing short of devastated.
I don’t quit easily, and I have thought long and hard about the change looming large in the life ahead of me. My life so far has been characterised by the most amazing highs, which have proved to be a source of solace on the occasions they were supplanted by troughs of such deep treachery that I regarded my very survival with scant regard.
However, with my loyal and steadfast partner by my side, but from whom I have recently started to feel oddly disconnected, I can attest that throughout it all we both stood tall and continued to travel each and every highway. Now, however, it is with the heaviest of hearts that I contemplate the parting of our ways and accept that the end is near and the time has come time for me to do it My Way.
For what is a woman? What has she got if not herself then she has naught? I am nothing if not a loyal companion and have been deeply hurt that my sense of humour has gone missing in action recently. Playing it straight does not come naturally to me but I have taken the decision to give it a try under the circumstances.
So my funny former friend you can go on now and walk out the door, you may as well turn around now because your not welcome anymore.
My sense of humour: Is this for real or just an old lady tantrum? You really want me to leave for good?
Me: Your pee 45 will be in the post. Actually once you have gone it will save me a fortune in Tenna ladies and dry underwear will be a pleasant change, if not fairly unique for a woman of my years.
Sense of humour: You used to be fun, who the hell hit you with the angry stick?
Me: Angry? what makes you think I am angry?
Sense of humour: Where do I start?!! For instance politics makes you lose your mind, do you remember when we used to laugh at that son of a tool maker, who actually was a bit of a tool but then got elected Prime minister anyway?
Me: Yeah I remember, but I stopped laughing when he stopped the winter fuel allowance for pensioners and gave Lord Ali a Downing street pass in exchange for a new suit and some specs.
Sense of humour: The past is the past, we have the King of the North now, its all going to be fine again!
Me: Have you seen Burnham’s latest video its about fckg bread! Who gives a shit whether a bread roll is a muffin or a balm cake and neither should he when his ‘man of the people’ T shirts cost more than we will all save on vat for electricity and £2 quid bus fares! Fine you say?
Sense of humour: I can see that I am flogging a dead horse here so I’ll leave you to your self imposed misery. As it happens I have been offered a gig as Gordon Brown’s right hand giggle he’s going for an image do over. Unlike you I have never been one to duck a challenge and I am not about to pass up on a good guffaw.
Pregnant pause:
I have to admit that I haven’t been much fun to be around lately, and that whilst I have relied heavily on the humerous aspect of my personality in the past, I have actively been ignoring it now for some time.
In truth there are many reasons for this both at home and abroad so to speak.
Home: My darling husband is still struggling to achieve good health as is my gorgeous chocolate labrador Wispa. Finding the humour in situations which threaten what I love so very dearly is not an easy task, especially when I have had to do this so many times in my life.
Abroad: when I look at the bigger picture and see what is happening on the little island we know as Great Britain there is little to laugh at here either. The current state of politics in this country is troubling me probably more than I care to admit. I have always been politically aware, but never as concerned as I am now. I want to laugh at what is so clearly laughable but there is something missing.
Pause paused no pregnancy:
Me: My dearest and oldest friend. Please allow me to say that I am sorry for my dismissive treatment of you recently. I have indeed, been a miserable sod and you deserved better treatment after all your years of stead fast service. I apologise unreservedly and hope that we can put this unfortunate episode behind us and return to our usual arrangements.
Sense of humour: Hmmm! You know what? You are absolutely right, I do deserve better.Did you think think I’d crumble, lay down and die? So piss off shorty…me and Gordy are leaving the country on the strength of your savings on Tenna ladies and will be back when they have run dry!
Me: Don’t worry arsehole I will survive!